Wednesday, July 16, 2008

it's been 15 years...

and I'm STILL bitter.

Last night I walked out into the shed to get the BIG suitcase so I can pack the boys for the 9 days they will be on the ranch with my folks. Out of the corner of my eye I spied the clear tote that held all my high school crap...papers, memorbilia and other junk that I've dumped in there because I'm STILL bitter and haven't been able to go through them. I knew, however, that there would also be some pictures of me when I was little that would match perfectly with the August Sweet Pea Scraps kit so in I went. I wasn't prepared to find the manilla envelope filled with what made me cry. Simple certificates. One was for All Conference and one was for Glasgow Courier Athlete of the Week. Now normally these things wouldn't make a person cry right? Well...they did...simply because after all these years I still am bitter, I still feel cheated and I still wonder what could have been.

Basketball was my life...my passion...and it was taken from me my senior year of high school...the year where I was to shine. I played 6 games that season (and still made All Conference...so that tells me a lot...even now). Tip off tourney went well...then the next week in practice I messed up my shoulder...dislocated it and broke a chunk of bone off (which still hinders me and I've been postponing surgery for years) so the next weekend I sat out. I couldn't handle it anymore so the next weekend I played. I loved to play. The next week I came down with Mono. I took the next weekend off. One week was all I could miss so I went back to practice and tried to play the next weekend. But it was catching up on me. My calves...were cramping. My coach's wife would rub them before I practiced and I ate bananas like mad but still my legs cramped. Pretty soon...I couldn't run...then I couldn't walk. Then I couldn't zip up my pants or put a pony tail in my hair. My nerves throughout my whole body were damaged...severly. At that time I was only the 10th reported case of these symptoms and I was poked and prodded but still no one knew what was wrong with me. I went from this doctor to that hospital until finally I was done...tired of having needles stuck in me and tests ran. I had opportunities to play college ball....those were lost. I began drinking a lot...drowing my sorrow so to say. I changed...my classmates changed...I made poor choices and I was in hell. It was the worst time of my entire life. Eventually, it went away. It was almost as fast as it came along. A year almost exactly is how long I lived with this 'thing' they dubbed as polyneuritis for lack of anything else to call it.

Yes...I'm still bitter. I STILL dream about playing at night when I sleep. I feel cheated. I feel sad. I always wonder what the reason could have been for this? If I had played college ball I would have graduated...made everyone so proud...first grandchild (and only at this point) to graduate from college. Instead I drank my way out of school without a degree. I could have been great. I probably will never stop questioning God and why he took that from me....I would love to know the reason...because everything happens for a reason right?

**EDITED TO ADD: So I don't look like a complete WHINER and someone who is totally feeling sorry for herself (cuz I apparently still am). I am SO thankful for my health now...I'm so thankful that I have nothing severly wrong with me...conditions yes, that cause havoc but nothing life threatening. I am SO thankful for my wonderful family, my husband, boys and my parents who have always been there to support me. I have a fairly good life...so why I choose to focus on this one detail in my life for so long..is beyond me. I need to just get over it and move on right?? So please don't think I'm a total oh pity me person...because I'm not. It just overwhelmed me last night finding those certificates. Okay...I'm done. I could delete my whole post as I would worry how others will view me...but honestly...it felt really great to get it out. To just even type it out. So I won't but I do want you to know that I am thankful and grateful for what I *do* have in my life now.**

4 comments:

KimmyS said...

Dude, I have TOTALLY forgotten about this part of your life and I am glad you talked about it again.
Seriously I would be bitter too - to have such a gift and have it taken away from you must be the worst feeling ever.

I don't blame you feeling the way you feel and nothing I can do or say will make you feel any better...

Love ya Dude
xoxo

Lydia said...

I can say I understand! I had everything going for me. Till I met this one person who played on my emotions and all my dreams of making my life better went down! Even though my life was was going good....there was a whole other side I was trying to block out with the good I was doing for me. So like you, I am bitter with some thing from my past and I dont think I can ever let it go!

HUGS

The Crowells said...

You're not a whiner, Buddy. I'm glad you can heal just a bit more by talking about it. Just remember that He doesn't always cause things to happen, but He allows those things to do good. Would you have met/married Shawn, had your boys? Maybe some day your boys will be in a similar situation and need your experience...

Love ya, Dude!

MontanaMama said...

Yep I believe everything happens for a reason too - it's just figuring out why that takes a while. You are entitled to whine once in a while. You have a right to be bitter too. So wallow in it and then enjoy scrapping those pics - I can't wait to see them! :)